What’s a “Gemini” to Do?

Here in Chicago not long ago, a Sun-Times astrologer told a woman suffering from depression that her problem was “due to transiting Saturn adversely positioned to [her] natal Saturn in an area that [dealt] with [her] status and professional goals.” Meanwhile, the Tribune’s astrologer encouraged me and my fellow Geminis, to “use all of [our] logical notes to create just the right tone.” (Okay, good. I was just going to use some of them.) “Others feel lucky to share the song.” (Nice. Any names?) “For something beautiful, allow change to occur in its own rhythm.” (Does brushing my teeth upset the natural rhythm of their decay?) Very confusing.
But things have gotten even more bewildering. The Minneapolis Star-Tribune quotes Minnesota astronomer Parke Kunkle to say “that since the Babylonian zodiac periods were established millennia ago, the moon’s gravitational pull has made the Earth ‘wobble’ around its axis in a process called precession. That has created about a one-month bump in the stars’ alignment, meaning that ‘when [astrologers] say that the sun is in Pisces, it’s really not in Pisces.’”
Uh oh. Poor Sofia Whitcombe, a 25-year-old publicist in New York: “My whole life, I thought I was a Capricorn . . . Now I’m a Sagittarius? I don’t feel like a Sagittarius!” Maybe she can hang tough like the fellow who said, “Dude, I’m a Leo and always will be a Leo, no matter where the sun is on August 5th. Besides, this very expensive tattoo on my right shoulder tells me so.” Or it may be time to retool along with the devotee who exclaimed, “Darn it, the whole time I thought I was an introvert, now to find out that I’m an extrovert. I’m going to need awhile to unravel my life.” Or just celebrate: “Upgrade from Cancer to Gemini. Woo!”
This is a very old form of foolishness, and Christians have been dealing with it for ages. For instance, in the fourth century, Augustine (in Book V of The City of God) used the case of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:26) to refute the claim that those who’d been born under the same sign had similar natures and fortunes. When astrologers countered that the brothers’ birth sequence made the difference, he reminded them that they came out together, at the same moment, Jacob grasping Esau’s heel.
Of course, horoscope purveyors can rush into denial or execute exotic maneuvers to manage such cases, but how are they going negotiate the “month bump” Professor Kunkle spotted in the zodiac road?
For me, I’m just glad I was born again (John 3:3) under the Sign of Jonah (Matthew 12:39-40) – through the saving power of the merciful, gracious, risen Christ. Thank God my parents gave me the Bible instead of star charts to find my way.